RED KEDS
Every year at the end of August
mom and I would drive the 20-odd miles
to the big city to buy me
my "school clothes" for the term
so I could look nice when they pried
my broken body out of the rubble
after the russkies had bombed us
and all the survivors would know
I had a mother who cared.
Even though I was from the hick town of
Ontario, NY, I felt I had an advantage
over those idiot kids I saw on newsreels
crouched under their desks in broad daylight
totally exposed to deadly radiation--not us!
WE were herded into the boiler room of
the 1895 brick monstrosity that was
Wayne Primary School to sit in the gloom with
the spider webs & mouse turds & Norman Bates' dead mother,
where, in our fortified comfort, we could totally see ourselves
emerging unscathed from the blast and eager
to begin recess on the newly-formed post-apocalyptic
fields of nuclear rubble. But I digress.
Trying on clothes was my least favorite thing in the world,
but it was still exciting to be in the megalopolis
that was Rochester with its fancy JC Penney store,
where, in the shoe department, a middle-aged guy
in a white shirt and tie would come out
and wait on you even if you were 4 years-old
and measure your foot with a silver and black contraption
called the Brannock Device (invented in 1925),
which looked so scientific and technical that you knew
that the guy wielding such an instrument must be
a highly-trained professional whose job you could only aspire to
by working hard in your classes and being
a Clean American Boy.
Anyhow, for the last couple years running
(or, about half my lifetime to that point)
I had been begging mom to buy me
a pair of Red Keds, easily the most
aggressively advertised sneaker in the universe,
strategically placed for my demographic as
commercial breaks during the 8 Man cartoon show.
The first half of this one-minute Madison Ave. classic
featured Kedso, a creepy and annoying animated clown,
who leads us in a sing-a-long of the company jingle
("If you want shoes with lots of pep / Get Keds, kids, Keds
With bounce and zoom in every step /Get Keds, kids, Keds")
followed, in a marvel of cinematic wizardry,
by a live action/animation hybrid where Kedso is joined by
two milk-fed freckle-faced apple-cheeked
buzz-cutted fascists, obviously brothers,
who enthused over the Ubermensch footwear
which would enable them to run faster
and jump further and get over-sized badges
with the word "Champ" emblazoned in large letters.
And Kelso wasn't just bullshitting us, nosireebob!
He was totally transparent about the special features
that produced these super powers, such as the "shock-proof arches"
and being made of genuine "United States Rubber,"
the very stuff that had made us
the greatest country in the world and gave us
the edge over those commie kids whose gym shoes
were made of folded-up copies of Pravda and used chewing gum.
And yet, every year I would end up with
an inferior, cheaper brand of sneaker that did
absolutely nothing to enhance my natural abilities
(which, to be frank, were nothing to write home about)
until finally, just before the start of 3rd grade,
mom was broken down by my incessant wheedling
and plunked down a couple bucks over
her carefully-wrought budget just to shut me up.
For the entire trip home I cradled the shoebox on my lap,
frequently lifting the lid to gaze at the splendor of
the crimson canvas and admire
the blue and white "US KEDS" logo at the heel
(notice how they subtly incorporated the colors of
the great flag of our nation in the design.)
Arriving home, I made a beeline to our basement rec/family room
to get some privacy, and, with tremblling fingers
laced the stiff new shoes. Now, our basement
had a cement floor covered with a thin, all-weather carpet
meant for outdoor use (because of the seasonal flooding),
the point being it was a hard floor, without any give.
Gingerly, I stomped both feet on the ground--no noticeable difference.
My eyes lit on the circular white naugahyde hassock,
about 18" high, in the middle of the room
(this was my favorite piece of furniture, which I would often
tip on its side and drape myself over,
rocking back and forth while watching tv
and feeling strangely comforted in
my prepubescent genital area in a manner
recently brought back into fashion by JD Vance,
but again, I digress...)
Leaping over the hassock easily, I hit the floor--
WHAM! BOING!
Holy crap, it was like a trampoline! Shot like a bullet,
I ran around the perimeter of the room,
gathering momentum at such a fiendish pace
that I was nothing but a blur
with a red line at the bottom--
Just like the Flash!
Centrifugal force soon had me running up the walls
like Donald O'Connor in "Singing in the Rain"
and thanks to the traction of US Rubber
I was defying the physical laws of gravity
and actually dancing on the ceiling like in
that Fred Astaire movie that no one
remembers the name of or watches
except for the part where he dances on the ceiling.
Returning to the floor in a somersault triple lutz toe loop
double axel pirouette that I invented on the spot,
I braced my legs to cushion the landing and knew
I was ready for the first day of school tomorrow.
So, Kedso, perhaps you could explain to me why I was
STILL THE LAST KID CHOSEN WHEN THEY
DREW UP SIDES FOR THE DODGEBALL TEAMS
for yet another entire year?